Thursday, September 10, 2009

Cleaning my closet ...

I have grown up believing in fairy tales that my mom used to read to me when I was a little child .I always had this notion that ,there's someone made for me ... Some prince charming who would sweep me off my feet and I would live happily ever after . But with age , I realized that there are no 'Happily ever afters' in real life. I have been very unlucky in love until I met my guy a year back .

I still remember the day when my X walked out of the 5 year old relation which I was sure would work out . I was completely devastated and shattered . I thought that probably I would never be able to move on in life .But time is the best healer . It didn't heal the would at all . It's still fresh and raw .But it's been able to calm it down to a great extent . I was so very proud of my previous relation .Thought that it was perfect in every way . I loved my guy more than myself .And i guess he did too. But then gradually it started to wear down and finally gave up.

"I am not the commitment guy "- that was his reason for turning back on me . I really didn't find it necessary to reason out with him as i just knew that it was over. And then he moved on . But my closet was still unclean with the remains of the skeletons . I somehow was in kind of a haze.
I joined work . Got some real good friends there . And whatever I am now ,I owe it to those 3 friends who showed me the path ahead .They were there like my guardian angels .They probably still have no idea ,what they meant to me at that juncture of life.

I forced myself to live . For me Breathing alone was life .I had lost interest in every little thing . Everything was a show ,a forced display of the fact that I have moved on . I started suffering from self pity . Every second millions of relations die out , but I felt that I am the only unfortunate creature who had been subjected to this pain .

And then after a year ,Soumya happened .It was probably the most unplanned and unpredictable moment of my life . I never had imagined in the wildest of my fantasies that the quiet , bookish ,meritorious guy from my class would display his affections for me .That too ,I came to know that he had been loving me for all those 5 years when I was into my previous relationship silently and secretly.

When he proposed to me , I simply cried . I don't know what was I crying for ? Was it out of happiness or it had dawned on me suddenly that finally my closet was clean . I cried for the entire night. He took me in his arms and asked me to stop . But I had absolutely no clue what happened that night. 3 years of pain that I had kept bottled up within was finally giving way . I didn't know myself that I had so much pain inside me . That day I realized how much I loved my X . He was everywhere .I always had this feeling that he was there beside me but I couldn't touch him . We were separated by this thin invisible wall . But that night , the wall had broken and I realized that I was not yet over . I too had a life ahead and it could be nurtured again . Seeds of love could be planted once more .And i cried of sorrow ,happiness, relief .More than anything I cried for being able to move on .

Since then , we have been together . My X is there within me like a happy memory . A memory that I want to cherish all my life . A memory that will remind me of who I was for those 5 years of my life .And now I love Soumya dearly . I would not trade him for anything .I have just made myself understood that he's my destiny . We have nothing in common . We are poles apart , complete foil to each other . I guess that's the life support system of our relation .

Another 3 years and I am planning marriage . And hopefully i shall have a semi "Happily ever after " life if not a complete one . And standing at this juncture of life , when I got the love of my life ,I am happy and content with the way life is treating me ,I want God to give my X all that he had ever asked for .And even if a day comes when i finally start hating him , I am sure that the piece of me that he had taken with him the day he walked out on me ,would always wish the very best for him .

Finally I have my love with me and my closet is clean .... I have moved on :)

3 comments:

Jaya said...

Innocent, straight forward, truthful and heartfelt...I could sense the pain and the passion, the listlessness, the lost feeling and finally the desire to give life a second chance.
I think you are a very sensitive writer. I loved this piece.

Sohini said...

Hey thanx mona mashi ... Ur comment is an inspiration

Kanishka said...

crap ... write something sensible ... keep some emotions for your own self ...