I am getting overwhelmed by this feeling of pre-loneliness. I can’t really imagine my life without my boyfriend now. For the past 2 years , we have always been together. I have got so used to being together, that I cant simply imagine how life's going to be when he will be gone. In few days , he will be in a totally different continent .. We shall be separated by 5.5 hours. ISD calls and time management to get in touch with him at some convenient overlapping time will become my daily routine.
I always thought that I wont make my life revolve around his . In a nutshell, I didn't want to live a boyfriend centric life. Wanted to have my own circle, so that at times such as this, I don't feel lonely and lost … But at the end of the day , I am feeling lonely despite the fact that I have been able to create a very non boyfriend centric life for myself.
This “What will I do when he shall be gone" phase is pathetic. I know, that after feeling upset and “I cant live without him” for a few days, I will sort things out and carry on with my life. Today he got his Visa and completed his packing. I wish I could go with him to Melbourne … Enjoy Australia with him. But that's not possible and I have to be satisfied with the fact that my boyfriend's on-site trip is somewhat equivalent to my own …Seeing through his eyes kind- though it sucks !(Esteem wise,though I would have loved to go on a trip myself)
His office is pretty close to mine , so we have lunch together for the last 2 years now(Long time, you see to get addicted to something). And now, everyday at lunch time, I know, I am going to have this feeling - “This is the place we used to hog and these are the dishes he used to love and blah blah blah” .. And actually I might even skip lunch for the first few days when I'll be at the pioneering heights of “Oh! I am missing my boyfriend phase”.
U must be thinking (actually I'm thinking myself , what exactly am I trying to say?)... Well, to be precise I am trying to say that I will miss that idiot big time when he wont be here. I will miss everything about him... His sick jokes which only I could laugh on,his terrible fashion sense at times, when he would be too lazy to dig into his wardrobe, his attitude and mood swings which at times makes me think twice on my decision of spending the rest of my life with him,his road rage while he is driving, his extreme laziness which irritates me all the time... So u see, there are so many things that I actually don't like about him(I have mentioned only few).
But now, when it's time for him to say goodbye, I realize that these are exactly the things that I love about him. I like to laugh at his jokes, as it makes him look funny. I like correcting him all the time- his hair, his over or under tucked shirt , his collars- and always try to make him look better. I like taking care of these minute details, which he probably intentionally overlooks. I like nagging him to take me out; and when he finally gives in , it makes me feel so special and cared for. Had it not been for all these and many more which I cant recollect now, our relation would have been so bland and monotonous. There's always this newness in our relation which comes with the differences we face as two completely different people.
Yesterday I didn't have much to do at office... And I penned down this poem for him... And after reading it, he said “Ya,it's OK”.. I was waiting for a “Wow ! Excellent Baby ! ” But that's what ! Any other guy would have said that... But he didn't. But I know that he liked it. I know it from the way he said “Ya,OK”. That's the mystery in our relationship which I am going to miss.That "dig out from my expression" game which we play all the time. A curiosity to know what will happen next actually gives the relation its zing, a boost to move forward in this world, where in every 1 second some million or perhaps zillion hearts break. Otherwise , it would have been this platonic kind where boy knows the girl, the girl knows the boy, and there's hardly anything new to explore at least for half your life.
OK, vented out enough. I know that I shall make more entries once he leaves as I'll lose a pair of ears to speak to … Oh! Since I mentioned my poem I'll post it here...
Please appreciate it … I need it . U can by now have understood that my life has dearth of true appreciation.
The days will be the same and the nights as well,
Once you shall be gone
But there's one little thing that will change a bit,
But it will be visible to none.
That little thing is right within me
That beats to your name each day
That loses its hue when you are sad
And turns crimson when you are gay
That little thing will weep silently
When you will say goodbye
But that silly confused thing will also be happy
As you go to make something big outta your life
It will wait for you to come back
And until that fateful day
I swear to protect that little thing
As it's yours anyway
Though that little thing will miss you badly
It will be happy to think this way
That somewhere in some other part of the world
You are thinking about it, the same way
That little thing is my silly heart
That starts at the sound of your name
It is completely under your spell now
And you're the one to be blamed
You have showered so much love on it
As no one else has ever done before,
That it just wants to stay close to your heart
And from you it wants absolutely nothing more...
I WILL MISS YOU ......
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I am sitting idle in office and have absolutely nothing to do . I have not been able to make any entries here for the last couple of months , as after reaching home , I hardly have any energy left for blogging . But , trust me I feel like doing it all the same.
Well , all this time I was thinking of what to write on ; and came to the conclusion that in these 2 months, nothing striking has happened in my life . And I am not a ‘writer ‘ – which means that I cannot pen down just anything . I need some real good stimuli to write . It might be a heart break , a happy event , something socially disturbing etc etc … But it has to move me in some form or the other .
So I was just leafing through the pages of my brain-diary and found that for approx 2 months nothing of this sort has actually happened in my life … I have just been breathing like a machine .When I told this to a friend of mine who blogs as well, she was shocked ! She raised her eyebrows and had this expression as if I was either some nerd , who was in no way in connection with the outer world, or just too ignorant to all that which I am not a part of.
She told me that I could have written about saving the tigers , the Pune Blast, the budget and so many other issues that I am indirectly a part of. Am I ? Don’t know …. Since I was running short of time , I took her advice and left a G-Buzz “ Save the tigers “ … To which one of my friends from ”THE IIM” very politely commented –
“while I do appreciate the sentiments involved, I am unclear about my role in the bigger scheme of things. Well if I could save tigers by simply tweeting or buzzing, then I would surely have done so. Most of us, i suppose, dont have the competence to treat animals. As far as donating clothes are concerned, there are several destitute on the kolkata streets and, to be honest, i'd rather donate clothes or money to them than tigers. There is already enough voices raised against poaching. So simply shouting "do not poach, do not poach" would in no way change things. I feel this entire thing either is badly misdirected at the wrong target audience or is simply a marketing gimmick. And once again, no offense meant.”
Well , I think that he was right .. What can a blog or a badge in ur bag from Aircel do to save tigers … How many effing poachers will actually read them and even if any chance upon one, will they care ?So I dumped that idea. Then I thought of writing about the Pune Blast …. What could I say which has already not been said ? And it’s done … People have died. The mother****s have achieved what they had to and we are moving on …So , there's no point in writing on that issue as well .. But yeah ! I prayed for the ones who died and didn’t even know what they were dying for . I also wish that these demented people who are on this killing spree get their balls infested with fleas and lose their hands at the same time (or something worse than this . But I don’t want them to die straight away ; that should not be their punishment). I hope God’s listening.
And as far as the budget is concerned , I don’t understand much of it … Only thing I understood , was that from this year females will get tax exemption up to 1.9k . Me Happy J It meant less of investing .So now, I am back to square one thinking of what to write !@$$%%
People reading this blog of mine , please comment and leave some ideas so that I can come up with many more blogs in the near future.
Till then – CYA !