I don’t know what to do with them. How do I dispose them off ? No matter how hard I try, they always come and knock at my door when I least expect them. So after lots of struggle with the immensely strong creatures inhabiting in the fissures of my brain, I have decided to let them be. The harder I try to scoop them out, the stickier they get. Methinks they are just a part of me which I can never do away with.
Oh ! I am talking about memories. Memories of loved ones lost forever, broken heart, damaged trust,tarnished relations and umpteen number of things. Strange things they are – Memories ! They seem to have lives of their own, brains of their own and they are mean creatures. I have noticed this, whenever I am sad and feel low, the meanest of them all, come and torments me the most. They bring all the horrible experiences in front of you like you are watching some horror movie.
A few days back I went for shopping with a friend. Huge stock clearance sales going on everywhere. With a bunch of outfits stuffed inside my cart, I was waiting outside the trial room behind a spiral of 10 odd people. Westside “Seasons in the sun” was playing in the UCB showroom. I was instantly transported back to 2002.I used to be in the 11th standard. I had participated in a school feast and had sung this very song.I was time travelling. I could feel the tension I had felt before going on stage, could hear Jayjit(the drummer) checking his drums, Abhilash (the guy who managed to play decent guitar) tuning his machine. The memory was so very alive. Not even for a second, did I feel that it was a time gone-by. It was as fresh as it was then. The announcement of my name, the cheer from my school, the soulful experience while I performed, the boos from competitors to spoil the performance and last but not the least the 2nd prize for the day !
Somehow it made my heart so heavy, that I did not feel like waiting any more. I moved out of the store. I was missing those days. The golden days of almost everybody’s life. Strange how I had a memory attack.
Another stimulant which stirs these horrible creatures inside my brain – Odour.Funny how I can relate fragrances and stench to people ,places and experiences. On my way to work, while I was literally fighting with people to secure a seat in the auto, suddenly a mild whiff of smell touched my nostrils. And all the way, I kept thinking of that girl who used to be my best friend ages back.In a perfume showroom,a cologne reminded me of the first time I hugged my boyfriend when he smelled so strongly of cologne. I even cried a bit when on my birthday, midst all fun and frolic, a tangy smell of pina colada reminded me of the last time I had went out with my X before we broke up.
Fruitcakes and plum cakes always bring back memories of childhood Christmases when I used to try with all my might to stay up at night. I so wanted to meet Santa who used to fill the plastic pouch I used to hang on my doorknob on every Christmas morning. But inevitably I used to doze off. Now I get a feeling, that my folks used to tranquilize me back then, as they never wanted me to stop believing in Santa. It is said that -
“ A child grows up the moment he/she stops believing in Santa”
A typical stench bring back memories of the fight I got into, with my school bus conductor while our bus got stranded in a mush by a garbage pit. A closed Tiffin box with a boiled egg, creates a hole in the place where my heart used to be, and that hole gradually gets filled with insecurity. Funny, isn’t it ? No it’s not. It reminds me of the first day in school when I was so scared to be alone, mom-less, surrounded by bunch of cry babies who had boiled eggs for lunch. The entire classroom smelled of boiled eggs, bananas and cakes packed in a Tiffin box for some time. I felt threatened and insecure then, I feel threatened and insecure even now. So I avoid boiled egg in a Tiffin box !
There are many such memories which are triggered by small, silly things. I can almost write a trilogy on them.I have never been able to wipe out these innumerable memories which has sought refuge in my brain permanently. So now we happily and sadly co-exist …