I am getting overwhelmed by this feeling of pre-loneliness. I can’t really imagine my life without my boyfriend now. For the past 2 years , we have always been together. I have got so used to being together, that I cant simply imagine how life's going to be when he will be gone. In few days , he will be in a totally different continent .. We shall be separated by 5.5 hours. ISD calls and time management to get in touch with him at some convenient overlapping time will become my daily routine.
I always thought that I wont make my life revolve around his . In a nutshell, I didn't want to live a boyfriend centric life. Wanted to have my own circle, so that at times such as this, I don't feel lonely and lost … But at the end of the day , I am feeling lonely despite the fact that I have been able to create a very non boyfriend centric life for myself.
This “What will I do when he shall be gone" phase is pathetic. I know, that after feeling upset and “I cant live without him” for a few days, I will sort things out and carry on with my life. Today he got his Visa and completed his packing. I wish I could go with him to Melbourne … Enjoy Australia with him. But that's not possible and I have to be satisfied with the fact that my boyfriend's on-site trip is somewhat equivalent to my own …Seeing through his eyes kind- though it sucks !(Esteem wise,though I would have loved to go on a trip myself)
His office is pretty close to mine , so we have lunch together for the last 2 years now(Long time, you see to get addicted to something). And now, everyday at lunch time, I know, I am going to have this feeling - “This is the place we used to hog and these are the dishes he used to love and blah blah blah” .. And actually I might even skip lunch for the first few days when I'll be at the pioneering heights of “Oh! I am missing my boyfriend phase”.
U must be thinking (actually I'm thinking myself , what exactly am I trying to say?)... Well, to be precise I am trying to say that I will miss that idiot big time when he wont be here. I will miss everything about him... His sick jokes which only I could laugh on,his terrible fashion sense at times, when he would be too lazy to dig into his wardrobe, his attitude and mood swings which at times makes me think twice on my decision of spending the rest of my life with him,his road rage while he is driving, his extreme laziness which irritates me all the time... So u see, there are so many things that I actually don't like about him(I have mentioned only few).
But now, when it's time for him to say goodbye, I realize that these are exactly the things that I love about him. I like to laugh at his jokes, as it makes him look funny. I like correcting him all the time- his hair, his over or under tucked shirt , his collars- and always try to make him look better. I like taking care of these minute details, which he probably intentionally overlooks. I like nagging him to take me out; and when he finally gives in , it makes me feel so special and cared for. Had it not been for all these and many more which I cant recollect now, our relation would have been so bland and monotonous. There's always this newness in our relation which comes with the differences we face as two completely different people.
Yesterday I didn't have much to do at office... And I penned down this poem for him... And after reading it, he said “Ya,it's OK”.. I was waiting for a “Wow ! Excellent Baby ! ” But that's what ! Any other guy would have said that... But he didn't. But I know that he liked it. I know it from the way he said “Ya,OK”. That's the mystery in our relationship which I am going to miss.That "dig out from my expression" game which we play all the time. A curiosity to know what will happen next actually gives the relation its zing, a boost to move forward in this world, where in every 1 second some million or perhaps zillion hearts break. Otherwise , it would have been this platonic kind where boy knows the girl, the girl knows the boy, and there's hardly anything new to explore at least for half your life.
OK, vented out enough. I know that I shall make more entries once he leaves as I'll lose a pair of ears to speak to … Oh! Since I mentioned my poem I'll post it here...
Please appreciate it … I need it . U can by now have understood that my life has dearth of true appreciation.
The days will be the same and the nights as well,
Once you shall be gone
But there's one little thing that will change a bit,
But it will be visible to none.
That little thing is right within me
That beats to your name each day
That loses its hue when you are sad
And turns crimson when you are gay
That little thing will weep silently
When you will say goodbye
But that silly confused thing will also be happy
As you go to make something big outta your life
It will wait for you to come back
And until that fateful day
I swear to protect that little thing
As it's yours anyway
Though that little thing will miss you badly
It will be happy to think this way
That somewhere in some other part of the world
You are thinking about it, the same way
That little thing is my silly heart
That starts at the sound of your name
It is completely under your spell now
And you're the one to be blamed
You have showered so much love on it
As no one else has ever done before,
That it just wants to stay close to your heart
And from you it wants absolutely nothing more...
I WILL MISS YOU ......