THE JOURNEY CALLED LIFE

When my heart gets heavy, with pain and grief,
I smile through my tears and say - "I Forgive".
The load is lifted,and I feel light
I realise it's morning after the long night.
Born on each morning , I shed my past,
And plan the calendar of my life so vast
Yes! I haven been deceived more than often,
But I choose to ingnore to dwell on them.
With the backpack of experience , with room for more,
I resume my journey to learn what's more in store ...

MEMORIES

I don’t know what to do with them. How do I dispose them off ? No matter how hard I try, they always come and knock at my door when I least expect them. So after lots of struggle with the immensely strong creatures inhabiting in the fissures of my brain, I have decided to let them be. The harder I try to scoop them out, the stickier they get. Methinks they are just a part of me which I can never do away with.

Oh ! I am talking about memories. Memories of loved ones lost forever, broken heart, damaged trust,tarnished relations and umpteen number of things. Strange things they are – Memories ! They seem to have lives of their own, brains of their own and they are mean creatures. I have noticed this, whenever I am sad and feel low, the meanest of them all, come and torments me the most. They bring all the horrible experiences in front of you like you are watching some horror movie.

A few days back I went for shopping with a friend. Huge stock clearance sales going on everywhere. With a bunch of outfits stuffed inside my cart, I was waiting outside the trial room behind a spiral of 10 odd people. Westside “Seasons in the sun” was playing in the UCB showroom. I was instantly transported back to 2002.I used to be in the 11^th standard. I had participated in a school feast and had sung this very song.I was time travelling. I could feel the tension I had felt before going on  stage, could hear Jayjit(the drummer) checking his drums, Abhilash (the guy who managed to play decent guitar) tuning his machine. The memory was so very alive. Not even for a second, did I feel that it was a time gone-by. It was as fresh as it was then. The announcement of my name, the cheer from my school, the soulful experience while I performed, the boos from competitors to spoil the performance and last but not the least the 2^nd prize for the day !

Somehow it made my heart so heavy, that I did not feel like waiting any more. I moved out of the store. I was missing those days. The golden days of almost everybody’s life.  Strange how I had a memory attack.

Another stimulant which stirs these horrible creatures inside my brain – Odour.Funny how I can relate fragrances and stench to people ,places and experiences. On my way to work, while I was literally fighting with people to secure a seat in the auto, suddenly a mild whiff of smell touched my nostrils. And all the way, I kept thinking of that girl who used to be my best friend ages back.In a perfume showroom,a cologne reminded me of the first time I hugged my boyfriend when he smelled so strongly of cologne. I even cried a bit when on my birthday, midst all fun and frolic, a tangy smell of pina colada reminded  me of the last time I had went out with my X before we broke up.

Fruitcakes and plum cakes always bring back memories of childhood Christmases when I used to try with all my might to stay up at night. I so wanted to meet Santa who used to fill the plastic pouch I used to hang on my doorknob on every Christmas morning. But inevitably I used to doze off. Now I get a feeling, that my folks used to tranquilize me back then, as they never wanted me to stop believing in Santa. It is said that -

“ A child grows up the moment he/she stops believing in Santa”

A typical stench bring back memories of the fight I got into, with my school bus conductor while our bus got stranded in a mush by a garbage pit. A closed Tiffin box with a boiled egg, creates a hole in the place where my heart used to be, and that hole gradually gets filled with insecurity. Funny, isn’t it ? No it’s not. It reminds me of the first day in school when I was so scared to be alone, mom-less, surrounded by bunch of cry babies who had boiled eggs for lunch. The entire classroom smelled of boiled eggs, bananas and cakes packed in a Tiffin box for some time. I felt threatened and insecure then, I feel threatened and insecure even now. So I avoid boiled egg in a Tiffin box !

There are many such memories which are triggered by small, silly things. I can almost write a trilogy on them.I have never been able to wipe out these innumerable memories which has sought refuge in my brain permanently. So now we happily and sadly co-exist …

HAPPY !

It’s been quite some time since I have blogged. AS asked me yesterday why did I stop writing? Mom also gave me a piece of her mind for having stopped writing, as she too knew that this is the only outlet through which I exhaust out my feelings. So too long a pause, and she knows that soon I’ll be needing a pollution check :)

To be honest, after my break up with my bf , I thought that life had come to a halt. I had lost all happiness, had nothing exactly to write about. I was kind of being driven by an invisible force by which I was mechanically living each day. Getting up in the morning , answering nature’s call ,brushing my teeth , feeding the innumerable cats I own (kitten to adult, so preparing different version of food for all of them), getting ready for office , going to office , work and boredom at office and then journey back home. So among all these activities, I barely found any interesting thing to write about.

But yesterday, AS shared a link to her friend’s blog. And it kind of shook me off my state of coma.  There she was blogging about so many things starting from her love for animated movies, to the way she looks at the world , the slum children she meets every day on her way to work , so on so forth. It was a revelation of sorts. Wow! I mean there are so many things happening around me which can actually be a topic for me to write about. But there I was in a self created, messy state of mind, where I just refused to check things out. All I could think of was my pains, my losses, my problems, my tears ... F***K !

I had actually cheated myself from the innumerable small, teeny weenie things which makes a person happy. I wish I could hug AS now for arousing this desire in me to write once more , and now I feel like am in a rush, like I want to write for ever, about stupid things, happy things, things which hardly make any sense to other people. Who cares if anyone likes my blog or not ? I am writing because I love to. It’s the same feeling as that of a dancer who could dance her heart out after may be years of paralysis. It’s a great feeling!

Now when I look back the past six months, I can actually find so many things which made me happy.

• ·         I went for shopping and bought myself lovely dresses, shoes and bags ...
• ·         Went on a weekend trip to Maithon with AS , had a great time there, got sloshed at night and got tanned in the heat.
• ·         Reconnected with a lost friend I had a tiff with. He was a great cheerer when all I could think was sulk.
• ·         Had great time with SD and her hubby SR. Going for movies and restaurant hopping.
• ·         Started taking guitar lessons, a childhood dream ... And now I can play Jingle Bells :)
• ·         Watched some great movies....
• ·         Saved 3 more kittens and all of them are doing great !
• ·         Getting appraised at office :) which means heavier pockets.
• ·         My best friend Chandni had come down from US. So had a supperb time with her.
• ·         Oh ! and I had almost forgotten, bought a new car :)

Well, there are probably more of them, but these top the list once I try to trace back through time.

So  look , I found happiness in so many things :) And only one thing made me sad... My bad relation .So while I could write the same thing over and over again about the stale thing, I actually chose to blabber about the silly little things which actually made me happy....

A LETTER TO LIFE

Life you amaze me each time

Life you astound me often

You have taught me to learn and live

You have given me numerous pain

Life, I knew you were beautiful

Heard you were full of perks

But when I looked closely enough

I found you to be a big time ‘Jerk’

Life, I don’t blame you totally

Luck and you go hand in hand

But why each time you royally screw me

Is the only thing I don’t understand

Life you are amazing to many

You bring smiles on faces

But with me you’ve been quite fickle

And for that I’ll give you no praises

Life, you exercise full control over me

You steer me left and right

You give me the illusion of a jolly good day

When in real, it’s a jet black night

You’ve played games with me, brought love with you

This time you got me once more

But next time be a little more careful

Coz, it’s you who’ve changed me from before

Next time you try something funny

And you have my word

I’ll finish your very existence there

So stop being a ‘Nerd’ !