My love will stay

I might not end up being your girl
I might not be a part of your life
I might not be able to get your love
No matter how hard i strive
But you will be mine in some other life
And ill wait for that fateful day
Until then till the end of time
I promise my love will stay

My love will be there when you'r sad

It will be there when you'r pissed

It will guide you when you lose direction

Show you a way back to bliss

It does not matter how you feel

How your feelings fluctuate everyday

Everything might change , i might too

But i promise my love will stay... 

I'll go if you ask me to

Or if i don't want to cause you pain
But it feels like i've loved you for a thousand years
And i couldn't learn to stop since then
There should be a place where its not so hard
For you to be with me
Is it where the sun melts in the horizon ?
Where the starts shine down into the sea?
Cuz that is the place where ill be yours
In your arms , ill remain night and day
Until i find that place and make you mine
I promise my love will stay....

The wait

What am i waiting for?
For you to love me completely,
Or for me to stop loving you at all?
For you to stop calling me ,
Or for me to stop waiting for your call?
For you to call me your one and only
And make me yours for the rest of your life ?
Or for me to stop glowing, when i picture myself as your wife?
For you to be there to protect me, when i feel unsafe and down,
Or stop feeling strong , as i feel your presence around ?
For you to not tell me ,that you tried not talking to me,
And how you feel for me ,you doubt,
Or to not hurt within, when you say these ,and pout?
For all i know, i cant stop ;A long way i have come
In you I find love and hope, and i know that i sound dumb
But i cant stop thinking of you, you are always on my mind
Besides strong love, my lost strength and happiness in you i find
I really hope you feel the same for me, as i feel for you someday
Cuz if you open your heart to me 
I'll never give up on you , come what may .....

A girl I once knew

Today I want to write about this girl I knew

Not from a very long time ago

She was naive, gentle and a little gullible

With eyes as simple as a doe.

She always wore her charming smile

Her twinkling eyes were a thing

Her nonstop chatter was like music

I must say she had a zing!

Everywhere she went, she spread love

People loved having her around

She embraced all, small and big

Her love knew no bounds.

She loved to love and be loved back

And from a very tender age

She had dreams as big as Jack's beanstalk

That one day she'll reach a stage,

When she too will have someone special,

Who will love her beyond reasons

Who would mean more than the world to her,

Whose love wouldn’t change like seasons.

Dreaming with her rosy glasses on

One day she became a teen

Guys queued up behind her like her tail

But she couldn't find the special 'him'

But then one day, there was Magic!

And she found her first love in a friend

With him she had her first kiss and dance

She was so happy; you should have seen her then.

Her gait was always Skippy,

Her joy was beyond measure

In him she'd found the fortune of life

That she cherished and would always treasure

But little she knew about the cruel world

And the cruel strategies it schemed

It skinned her daily bit by bit

Peeled her charm while she screamed-

Screamed her lungs out for someone to hear

To pull her outta that pit

Into which her 'precious loves' had pushed her

Where she was only dead meat

And then somehow she climbed out

Wounded, bruised and scarred

Her glow was lost, her charm was taken

But she still had the strength to start

That doe eyed girl went missing since

But she managed to turn around

Although she never smiled the way she did

And her eyes were now just a pale dull brown.

For you dork

I wanted to write something on you 

and kept thinking what would be fit

should i write about the way I care,

or the story of how we finally meet.

And then I thought I'll just pour out

All that's there in my heart 

Of how a virtual friend became so special

I guess i need to begin from the start 

I saw you for the first time in Vegas

And zoop ! I was drawn towards you 

What was the connection between you and I ? 

I'm still trying to find the clue.

You saw what no one else could see in me 

You made me feel so good

You gave me a feeling , you wouldn't let me fall 

Although you deprived me of food 

Grand Canyon would never look the same again 

The way it did that day 

I wish i hadn't blown my chances

And listened to what my heart had to say

You light up the darkness within me 

I feel so happy around you  

My eyes start twinkling, my smile gets bigger

I guess i do the same for you 

I don't know what the future holds,

I don't wanna manipulate it too 

But even if we are not together 

I shall always be there for you -

I'll be there for you as your 'Idiot' 

Through all thickness and thins

My strongest desire is to keep you happy 

It doesn't matter if I lose or win .

Mother's Day !

Starting as a single cell

Growing inside her each day

Breathing her air ,eating her food

Into this world , i made my way

The hormones made her look pathetic

She started losing hair

She could no longer fit into her skinny clothes

But she didn't seem to care

She nurtured me inside her

Like a pea within a pod

And then she brought me out here

Fighting against all odds

So how can a single day justify

All that she's done for me

I treat every day as Mother's Day

Cuz without her , i wouldn't be ....

Broken Promises

Broken Promises
-----------------

Didn't you make  a promise to me
About not opening your heart again
About not letting anyone into your life
About not enduring any more pain

Didn't you make a promise to me
That you'll change into a stronger self
You'll bury that emotional mush that you were
Under innumerable layers that none could delve

Didn't you make a promise to me
To have your guards up all the time
To check your heart each time it skipped a beat
To lock it up from committing that crime

Yet there you are after all these years
Standing at the same crossroad,your bleeding heart in your hand
Why do you not learn from your mistakes
Is something that I simply dont understand !

You make a fool of yourself each time
Trying to achieve something that's simply not meant to be
Please keep one last request of mine
Give it a break and stop doing this to me !!!!!

THE JOURNEY CALLED LIFE

When my heart gets heavy, with pain and grief,
I smile through my tears and say - "I Forgive".
The load is lifted,and I feel light
I realise it's morning after the long night.
Born on each morning , I shed my past,
And plan the calendar of my life so vast
Yes! I haven been deceived more than often,
But I choose to ingnore to dwell on them.
With the backpack of experience , with room for more,
I resume my journey to learn what's more in store ...

MEMORIES

I don’t know what to do with them. How do I dispose them off ? No matter how hard I try, they always come and knock at my door when I least expect them. So after lots of struggle with the immensely strong creatures inhabiting in the fissures of my brain, I have decided to let them be. The harder I try to scoop them out, the stickier they get. Methinks they are just a part of me which I can never do away with.

Oh ! I am talking about memories. Memories of loved ones lost forever, broken heart, damaged trust,tarnished relations and umpteen number of things. Strange things they are – Memories ! They seem to have lives of their own, brains of their own and they are mean creatures. I have noticed this, whenever I am sad and feel low, the meanest of them all, come and torments me the most. They bring all the horrible experiences in front of you like you are watching some horror movie.

A few days back I went for shopping with a friend. Huge stock clearance sales going on everywhere. With a bunch of outfits stuffed inside my cart, I was waiting outside the trial room behind a spiral of 10 odd people. Westside “Seasons in the sun” was playing in the UCB showroom. I was instantly transported back to 2002.I used to be in the 11^th standard. I had participated in a school feast and had sung this very song.I was time travelling. I could feel the tension I had felt before going on  stage, could hear Jayjit(the drummer) checking his drums, Abhilash (the guy who managed to play decent guitar) tuning his machine. The memory was so very alive. Not even for a second, did I feel that it was a time gone-by. It was as fresh as it was then. The announcement of my name, the cheer from my school, the soulful experience while I performed, the boos from competitors to spoil the performance and last but not the least the 2^nd prize for the day !

Somehow it made my heart so heavy, that I did not feel like waiting any more. I moved out of the store. I was missing those days. The golden days of almost everybody’s life.  Strange how I had a memory attack.

Another stimulant which stirs these horrible creatures inside my brain – Odour.Funny how I can relate fragrances and stench to people ,places and experiences. On my way to work, while I was literally fighting with people to secure a seat in the auto, suddenly a mild whiff of smell touched my nostrils. And all the way, I kept thinking of that girl who used to be my best friend ages back.In a perfume showroom,a cologne reminded me of the first time I hugged my boyfriend when he smelled so strongly of cologne. I even cried a bit when on my birthday, midst all fun and frolic, a tangy smell of pina colada reminded  me of the last time I had went out with my X before we broke up.

Fruitcakes and plum cakes always bring back memories of childhood Christmases when I used to try with all my might to stay up at night. I so wanted to meet Santa who used to fill the plastic pouch I used to hang on my doorknob on every Christmas morning. But inevitably I used to doze off. Now I get a feeling, that my folks used to tranquilize me back then, as they never wanted me to stop believing in Santa. It is said that -

“ A child grows up the moment he/she stops believing in Santa”

A typical stench bring back memories of the fight I got into, with my school bus conductor while our bus got stranded in a mush by a garbage pit. A closed Tiffin box with a boiled egg, creates a hole in the place where my heart used to be, and that hole gradually gets filled with insecurity. Funny, isn’t it ? No it’s not. It reminds me of the first day in school when I was so scared to be alone, mom-less, surrounded by bunch of cry babies who had boiled eggs for lunch. The entire classroom smelled of boiled eggs, bananas and cakes packed in a Tiffin box for some time. I felt threatened and insecure then, I feel threatened and insecure even now. So I avoid boiled egg in a Tiffin box !

There are many such memories which are triggered by small, silly things. I can almost write a trilogy on them.I have never been able to wipe out these innumerable memories which has sought refuge in my brain permanently. So now we happily and sadly co-exist …

HAPPY !

It’s been quite some time since I have blogged. AS asked me yesterday why did I stop writing? Mom also gave me a piece of her mind for having stopped writing, as she too knew that this is the only outlet through which I exhaust out my feelings. So too long a pause, and she knows that soon I’ll be needing a pollution check :)

To be honest, after my break up with my bf , I thought that life had come to a halt. I had lost all happiness, had nothing exactly to write about. I was kind of being driven by an invisible force by which I was mechanically living each day. Getting up in the morning , answering nature’s call ,brushing my teeth , feeding the innumerable cats I own (kitten to adult, so preparing different version of food for all of them), getting ready for office , going to office , work and boredom at office and then journey back home. So among all these activities, I barely found any interesting thing to write about.

But yesterday, AS shared a link to her friend’s blog. And it kind of shook me off my state of coma.  There she was blogging about so many things starting from her love for animated movies, to the way she looks at the world , the slum children she meets every day on her way to work , so on so forth. It was a revelation of sorts. Wow! I mean there are so many things happening around me which can actually be a topic for me to write about. But there I was in a self created, messy state of mind, where I just refused to check things out. All I could think of was my pains, my losses, my problems, my tears ... F***K !

I had actually cheated myself from the innumerable small, teeny weenie things which makes a person happy. I wish I could hug AS now for arousing this desire in me to write once more , and now I feel like am in a rush, like I want to write for ever, about stupid things, happy things, things which hardly make any sense to other people. Who cares if anyone likes my blog or not ? I am writing because I love to. It’s the same feeling as that of a dancer who could dance her heart out after may be years of paralysis. It’s a great feeling!

Now when I look back the past six months, I can actually find so many things which made me happy.

• ·         I went for shopping and bought myself lovely dresses, shoes and bags ...
• ·         Went on a weekend trip to Maithon with AS , had a great time there, got sloshed at night and got tanned in the heat.
• ·         Reconnected with a lost friend I had a tiff with. He was a great cheerer when all I could think was sulk.
• ·         Had great time with SD and her hubby SR. Going for movies and restaurant hopping.
• ·         Started taking guitar lessons, a childhood dream ... And now I can play Jingle Bells :)
• ·         Watched some great movies....
• ·         Saved 3 more kittens and all of them are doing great !
• ·         Getting appraised at office :) which means heavier pockets.
• ·         My best friend Chandni had come down from US. So had a supperb time with her.
• ·         Oh ! and I had almost forgotten, bought a new car :)

Well, there are probably more of them, but these top the list once I try to trace back through time.

So  look , I found happiness in so many things :) And only one thing made me sad... My bad relation .So while I could write the same thing over and over again about the stale thing, I actually chose to blabber about the silly little things which actually made me happy....

A LETTER TO LIFE

Life you amaze me each time

Life you astound me often

You have taught me to learn and live

You have given me numerous pain

Life, I knew you were beautiful

Heard you were full of perks

But when I looked closely enough

I found you to be a big time ‘Jerk’

Life, I don’t blame you totally

Luck and you go hand in hand

But why each time you royally screw me

Is the only thing I don’t understand

Life you are amazing to many

You bring smiles on faces

But with me you’ve been quite fickle

And for that I’ll give you no praises

Life, you exercise full control over me

You steer me left and right

You give me the illusion of a jolly good day

When in real, it’s a jet black night

You’ve played games with me, brought love with you

This time you got me once more

But next time be a little more careful

Coz, it’s you who’ve changed me from before

Next time you try something funny

And you have my word

I’ll finish your very existence there

So stop being a ‘Nerd’ !

A GIRL'S CRY ...dedicated to all those women who have been ditched in life by the person she thought ,loved her the most

When u told me that you loved me no more
My senses went numb,blood gushed to my head
Thoughts jumbled in my mind like noodles in a bowl
I couldn't think straight ;and I wish I was dead
I could feel nothing solid under my feet
Darkness shrouded my vision ,
My eyes were dry,coz they had cried their bit
I felt belrayed by all , my body was my prison .
My heart wouldnt beat the way it did
My lips wouldn't curve into a smile
My face wouldn't glow, my cheeks wouldn't blush
And i thought, they were my own all this while.
I welcomed each day with a grieving heart,
Devicing plans of winning you back
Just not able to make a new start ,
I lived in my past losing time's track.
I walked like a corpse,looked like one too -
Oblivious to the gossips and stares ,
Avoided friends for fear of being questioned -
The answer to which I myself couldn't yet bear...

Everything around me turned a strange grey
I found beauty in nothhing, found love in none.
Couples made me jealous, happiness made me sad
Friends and family thought I was probably going mad.
They tried to cheer me in every possible way
By keeping your memories far at bay ,
But i wouldnt't revive , I wouldnt budge
The hole in my heart was now getting filled with grudge,
But this wasn't me I knew it very well ,
This feeling was alien too , and I hated it like hell ,
It followed me like my shadow ,crept into my dreams at night
It wouldn't let me be , no matter how much I fight
I wanted you to come and see ,
What in the world you had done to me
But you were happy in your own Merryland ,
But there's one thing, I wanted you to understand
That this is a phase , and it shall pass too
And I shall rise again
But I want to thank you from the core of my heart ,
for inflicting so much pain -
Coz, It made me stronger and embossed in my mind
"Do whatever you do but , never love a man again !"

FINAL DESTINATION

When I had watched the movie , Final Destination , I booed it and asked all my friends not  to waste money and their time on that C-grade movie. It was crappy with this weird concept of death being planned for everyone beforehand, and if it's destined, nothing can save you.And if you are not meant to die, you will just keep on living.

But yesterday , an event in my life, made me think twice on the concept on which the movie was made. Yesterday, my aunt and I was supposed to visit a relative, who lives in the suburbs. The place is pretty far from the city and almost 2 hours drive on the highway.

My dad didn't want to go from the very beginning. Just as we were about to leave, dad decided to go , as he was not sure if we could find the house. My aunt had hired a driver. While going , he drove pretty fast, and we reached earlier than usual .

After spending the noon there, we started for home. After a nice , sumptuous lunch , me and my aunt were deep asleep at the rear seat of the car. Dad sat in front, and asked the driver to drive slowly as we were in no hurry.

I was almost dreaming, with the cool breeze washing away all my stress out of my mind.Suddenly, I heard dad shout at the top of his voice, there was a screeching noise of the wheels and the car sped its way towards the left lane. I instantly thought that , it must have hit someone.

My dad was trembling and there was beads of sweat on his forehead.Could not figure out anything of what happened. Then after pulling over the car, my dad said that the driver had dozed off to sleep while he was driving . He was about to hit the divider at full speed. My dad sensed it beforehand and turned the steering wheel towards left . The tires  were damaged , and the balance of the car was almost lost. The entire way , the car had to be driven at a speed of 40km/hr.

I was thinking then , if dad wouldn't have come, things would still have been the same. Aunt and me would have had slept away to glory , the driver would have dozed off on the wheels and eventually would have put us to sleep for eternity.

What do you call this ? Telepathy, Sixth sense or simply Destiny ?

I am still having goosebumps while I'm penning this down.Escaped death by a fraction of a nano-second may be .Wouldn't have been able to share this , had dad not decided to join us for the trip.

JUST ANOTHER DAY

I am really really really sad ; Sad with a capital S.

Today was my guy's birthday. He's miles away from me , sitting in Melbourne , cooking himself a Birthday Special Dinner . And here I am slogging the entire day , taking KT from my senior, attending client meetings and cribbing in the hearts of heart for not being able to spend some time with him(virtually on Skype).

Yesterday , i rushed back from office by 7.30 pm , so that I could at least wish him BANG on midnight .. (my 7:30 PM is his 12.:00 AM) .. That's the least I could do on his birth day . he has sent me a camera (Canon) from Australia, through a colleague. But I couldn't send him anything for his birthday....

He didn't want me to burden that guy with gifts .Strange ! He could do it , himself..

So all in all , I am frustrated, angry and sad ....  All of a sudden I'm having this feeling that I am being deprived of all the good and happy things in life. I dont have a boyfriend to hang around with (I mean he's not physically present). All my friends are getting married , going on their honeymoons and posting flashy , romantic pics on FB and Orkut .I don't see my wedding in the near future , which means no honeymoons obviously ....

And here I am sitting at office on a friday evening at 7.30 PM ,blogging all my frustrations and bitterness for many more losers like me to go through ...

So if any of you guys think that there's something that you can do do make me smile, please post nice , good comments ...

NO CRITICISM  PLEASE........

PAGES FROM MY DIARY

No more romantic poems this time ... Just a page from my diary.

I had been to Mondarmoni this weekend. It was quite a refreshing trip . After 2 hectic months , it was like a supply of oxygen to my otherwise de-oxidised self.

Initially I was not in a mood to go for this trip because of many reasons .Firstly i knew no one from the group other than a friend of mine , who actually insisted me to go.Secondly , this month I was sort of having a financial crunch. And thirdly , I would miss my guy big time as this was the place we had come together, a year back.So , adding up all the reasons , I was really really not ready to go.

But this friend of mine is getting married this year , and she had never been on such a trip  ever. She wanted me to come along , as her family would allow her to go , only on this condition .
After listening to her helpless pleadings , I couldn't actually refuse her. That's 'ME' - silly , emotional and 'stupid'.

Had any one (even the friend of mine)been in my position , he/she would have definitely backed out.
So , on Saturday morning , packed my bag , and left for this one night trip to the sea with 10 odd people.

Now lets come to the main attraction - 'Our Journey'

We had booked an AC bus for the trip, which was supposed to depart at 7.30 Am sharp.So as decided , we reached the terminus long before 7.30. But there was no sign of the bus.We kept running here and there , looking out for the right bus , till it started pouring like hell. The sky was pitch black and it just rained and rained. We took shelter at a tea shop, and our only protection from the rain was a platic sheet covering tthe shop. 11 of us crammed into that small place and then a man arrived with a huge goat. It had a chain aroung its neck and it was the size of a German Shepherd ...(not exxagerating a bit).

Anyway , our bus arrived after 8.30 .. and we had to actually step into the ultimate dirty water logging , in order to board it. I was regretting my decision all through , trust me. I was cursing myself , for having shown mercy on my friend.And then , finally, having got our seats, we all relaxed. Drenched, hungry,frustrated, angry,alienated from 10 others, I was missing home big time.But , I convinced myself that things won't be that bad.

No sooner had the bus started, than it broke down. We had not even crossed 2nd Hooghly Bridge, and we were stranded . The AC was turned off .. And there was a mixed odour of sweat, soaked socks,cakes,perfume,petrol inside the vessel. After enquring into the matter , got to know , that the silencer of the bus had given way. The driver and his helper fixed it in some time and then the whole way the bus went making a terrible noise , attracting abusive people all the way.

Finally , we reached Mondarmoni , and as expected we were late. The high tide was on the rise and the car carrying us from the terminus to the hotel had to wait for the water to subside. All of us got down from the car.. the sea was calling us . We girls , soaked our feet into the water. Had just started liking the trip , when everybody shouted from behind.
I looked back , and there were my slippers being carried away by the waves ...." Oh Fish ! What was wrong ?", i thought.
But the waves again brought back my slippers, one of them torn from the sides.
Exactly what I wanted !

The rest of the day was ok. Had a huge lunch.. Almost filled myself up till my lungs with food.... I was super hungry.The room was pretty good. Had a sea view and a pretty strong AC. That made me happy.Then at night , we started watching the World Cup - ARGENTINA VS GERMANY... I was supporting the former ..
And by now you must have understoond what followed.

Went to bed almost immediately after the 4th goal by Germany.Next day woke up pretty late . Breakfast was free and as usual I hogged . Food acted like my mood enhancer . And then started our journey homewards.
Had to have our lunch at a completely third-class resturant. But , no complaints... We were in a hurry to catch our bus.
The bus was AC and our seats were all scattered and uncomfortable.All the seats inclined back except mine...

"Perfect!", I thought again ...

IF ONLY

If only you were here, my love

If only you were here -
I would fight through all the battles

And would embrace death without fear.

If only the world had known, my love

If only the world had known -

That tender fruits have grown out of -

The seeds of love we had sown.

If only you'd hold me tight, my love

If only you'd hold me tight -

I would never let you go anywhere

Would capture you in my sight.

If only we were together, my love

If only we were together -

This heaviness pressing upon my heart

Would seem lighter than a feather.

If only I could die, my love

If only I could die -

None could snatch you away from me

I would never have to say 'Good Bye'.

VOICE OF A PISSED OFF MIND

I woke up today with a heavy heart,

Something was wrong within –

It ached to breathe, it ached to move

And I simply didn’t feel like living

The weather outside is too romantic,

And I’m on my way to office.

The pain inside is getting stronger

I guess it’s you whom I’m missing.

3 long months it has been,

3 long months, since you’ve been gone;

3 long months, since I’ve held you close

3 long months, since I’ve had some fun.

You are enjoying a Bar-B-Q there,

With all the wine and chicken;

It’s me, who’s thinking of you every minute,

Having bouts of depression quite often.

I want to stay where you are

Enough of this long distance crap

I’m sad and sobbing and whining and cribbing,

Cuz I’m pissed off with this geographical gap.

Do you even think of me once?

While you’re having fun?

You’ll marry me next year; There’s nothing I wanna hear;

It’s an order! All said and done …

AND THEIR WEAPON WAS LOVE .....

This blog of mine, I  dedicate to one of my best friends, ROHIT and his wife SONALI ,  for their  victory over hatred,cast ,creed ,colour , religion and all the other things made by human which overshadow the only blessing of God - Love.

The story started a couple of years back when my friend Rohit , after graduating with a B-Tech degree, still had some time left for joining the IT company. Out of boredom, he joined a BPO. He was pretty distressed and upset then , as he had recently come out of a long relation which didn't work out. There at the BPO, he met this shy, sobre, pretty much a foil to him, north Kolkata girl - Sonali .They became friends , and like every other destined love stories, they too fell in love. 

Rohit was happy. He called me up to tell me that he loved her, which I already knew. Both of them were very happy. But, one fine day , Sonali came to know(may be Rohit told her , i don't remember) that Rohit was a Christian and hell broke lose. Rohit had no intentions of hiding his religion , but he didn't feel that it was such a big thing anyway, to mention .. I mean nobody introduces oneself like " Hi , I am Rohit and I'm a christian".

Both of them were thinking of marriage , but Sonali knew that her family would have problems with the religion issue. And she was right. The two families grew violent. Sonali was asked not to keep in touch with Rohit . Sonli's family thought of getting her married somewhere else. But they kept loving each other. 

Finally , one day Sonali's parents gave in to her determination and spoke to Rohit's family about their marriage. Everything was fine , but neither of the families wanted to compromise on their religious rituals. The bride's family wanted a proper Hindu wedding , but the groom's family opposed to that. They didn't want their son to chant Hindu mantras. There was a huge chaos over all this. Tears, rage , grief became a constant in the relation. Sonali came over to my place and cried out to me. Rohit was angry too, but he couldn't go against his church. It was a mess.

But amidst all this mess, one thing survived like a silent prayer on their lips. It was their Love . It was the blessing of God that survived in their hearts , although  their families fought about their GODS. True love is said to have healing powers, and it did heal the warped  minds of the two families. Sometimes silence is louder than a chorus. And Rohit and Sonali's silence shouted out their love for each other.

Last week , they tied the knot. It was nothing less than a bollywood movie. But I am genuinely happy for both of them. All I can say is - GOD BLESS THEM.

Pre-Loneliness

I am getting overwhelmed by this feeling of pre-loneliness. I can’t really imagine my life without my boyfriend now. For the past 2 years , we have always been together. I have got so used to being together, that I cant simply imagine how life's going to be when he will be gone. In few days , he will be in a totally different continent .. We shall be separated by 5.5 hours. ISD calls and time management to get in touch with him at some convenient overlapping time will become my daily routine.

I always thought that I wont make my life revolve around his . In a nutshell, I didn't want to live a boyfriend centric life. Wanted to have my own circle, so that at times such as this, I don't feel lonely and lost … But at the end of the day , I am feeling lonely despite the fact that I have been able to create a very non boyfriend centric life for myself.
This “What will I do when he shall be gone" phase is pathetic. I know, that after feeling upset and “I cant live without him” for a few days, I will sort things out and carry on with my life. Today he got his Visa and completed his packing. I wish I could go with him to Melbourne … Enjoy Australia with him. But that's not possible and I have to be satisfied with the fact that my boyfriend's on-site trip is somewhat equivalent to my own …Seeing through his eyes kind- though it sucks !(Esteem wise,though I would have loved to go on a trip myself)

His office is pretty close to mine , so we have lunch together for the last 2 years now(Long time, you see to get addicted to something). And now, everyday at lunch time, I know, I am going to have this feeling - “This is the place we used to hog and these are the dishes he used to love and blah blah blah” .. And actually I might even skip lunch for the first few days when I'll be at the pioneering heights of “Oh! I am missing my boyfriend phase”.

U must be thinking (actually I'm thinking myself , what exactly am I trying to say?)... Well, to be precise I am trying to say that I will miss that idiot big time when he wont be here. I will miss everything about him... His sick jokes which only I could laugh on,his terrible fashion sense at times, when he would be too lazy to dig into his wardrobe, his attitude and mood swings which at times makes me think twice on my decision of spending the rest of my life with him,his road rage while he is driving, his extreme laziness which irritates me all the time... So u see, there are so many things that I actually don't like about him(I have mentioned only few).

But now, when it's time for him to say goodbye, I realize that these are exactly the things that I love about him. I like to laugh at his jokes, as it makes him look funny. I like correcting him all the time- his hair, his over or under tucked shirt , his collars- and always try to make him look better. I like taking care of these minute details, which he probably intentionally overlooks. I like nagging him to take me out; and when he finally gives in , it makes me feel so special and cared for. Had it not been for all these and many more which I cant recollect now, our relation would have been so bland and monotonous. There's always this newness in our relation which comes with the differences we face as two completely different people.

Yesterday I didn't have much to do at office... And I penned down this poem for him... And after reading it, he said “Ya,it's OK”.. I was waiting for a “Wow ! Excellent Baby !  ” But that's what ! Any other guy would have said that... But he didn't. But I know that he liked it. I know it from the way he said “Ya,OK”. That's the mystery in our relationship which I am going to miss.That "dig out from my expression" game which we play all the time. A curiosity to know what will happen next actually gives the relation its zing, a boost to move forward in this world, where in every 1 second some million or perhaps zillion  hearts break. Otherwise , it would have been this platonic kind where boy knows the girl, the girl knows the boy, and there's hardly anything new to explore at least for half your life.

OK, vented out enough. I know that I shall make more entries once he leaves as I'll lose a pair of ears to speak to … Oh! Since I mentioned my poem I'll post it here...

Please appreciate it … I need it . U can by now have understood that my life has dearth of true appreciation.
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Miss You
The days will be the same and the nights as well,
Once you shall be gone
But there's one little thing that will change a bit,
But it will be visible to none.

That little thing is right within me
That beats to your name each day
That loses its hue when you are sad
And turns crimson when you are gay

That little thing will weep silently
When you will say goodbye
But that silly confused thing will also be happy
As you go to make something big outta your life

It will wait for you to come back
And until that fateful day
I swear to protect that little thing
As it's yours anyway


Though that little thing will miss you badly
It will be happy to think this way
That somewhere in some other part of the world
You are thinking about it, the same way


That little thing is my silly heart
That starts at the sound of your name
It is completely under your spell now
And you're the one to be blamed

You have showered so much love on it
As no one else has ever done before,
That it just wants to stay close to your heart
And from you it wants absolutely nothing more...

I WILL MISS YOU ......

LACKING IDEAS

I am sitting idle in office and have absolutely nothing to do . I have not been able to make any entries here for the last couple of months ,  as after reaching home , I hardly have any  energy left for blogging . But , trust  me I feel like  doing it all the  same.

Well , all this time I was thinking of what to write on ; and came to the conclusion  that  in these  2 months,  nothing striking has happened in my life . And I am not a  ‘writer ‘ – which means that I cannot pen down just anything . I need some real good stimuli to write . It might be a heart break , a happy event , something  socially disturbing etc etc … But it has to move me in some form  or the other .

So I was just leafing through  the pages of my  brain-diary and found that for approx 2 months nothing of this sort has actually happened in my life …  I have just been breathing like a machine .When I told this to a friend of mine who blogs as well, she was shocked ! She raised her eyebrows and  had this expression as if I was  either some nerd , who was  in no way in connection with the outer world,  or just too ignorant to all that which I am not a part of.

She told me that I could have written about saving the tigers , the Pune Blast, the budget and so many other issues that I am indirectly a part of.  Am I ? Don’t know ….  Since I was running short of time , I took her advice and left a G-Buzz “ Save the tigers “ … To which one of my friends from  ”THE IIM” very politely commented – 

“while I do appreciate the sentiments involved, I am unclear about my role in the bigger scheme of things. Well if I could save tigers by simply tweeting or buzzing, then I would surely have done so. Most of us, i suppose, dont have the competence to treat animals. As far as donating clothes are concerned, there are several destitute on the kolkata streets and, to be honest, i'd rather donate clothes or money to them than tigers. There is already enough voices raised against poaching. So simply shouting "do not poach, do not poach" would in no way change things. I feel this entire thing either is badly misdirected at the wrong target audience or is simply a marketing gimmick. And once again, no offense meant.”

Well , I think that he was right .. What can a blog or a badge in ur bag from Aircel do to save tigers …  How many effing poachers  will actually read them and even if any chance upon one, will they care ?So I dumped that  idea. Then I thought of writing about the Pune Blast …. What could I say which has already not been said ? And it’s done … People have died. The mother****s  have achieved what they had to and we are moving on …So , there's no point in writing on that issue as well .. But yeah ! I prayed for the ones who died and didn’t even know what they were dying for . I also  wish that these demented people who are on this killing spree get their balls infested with fleas and lose their hands at the same time (or something worse than this . But I don’t want them to die straight away ; that should not be their punishment). I hope God’s listening.

And as far as the budget is concerned , I don’t understand much of it … Only thing I understood , was that  from this year females will get tax exemption up to 1.9k . Me Happy J It meant less of investing  .So now, I am back to square one thinking of what to write !@$$%%

People reading this blog of mine , please comment and leave some ideas so that I can come up with many more blogs in the near future.

Till then – CYA !

ELIXIR OF MY LIFE

I can breathe now.

It's me alone who knows the trauma that I had to endure for the past 10 months.The very fact that I was financially dependent on my dad and my boyfriend made me feel like a cripple.

I just enjoy that fact that I am working. At times I don't enjoy the work I have been assigned to.But the fact that I am working is like a driving force - my 2nd oxygen one can say.  And finally , now I know what makes me the happiest - it's work and independence.

I like this corporate culture. I like this coming to office regularly,logging into a machine, waiting for the lunch hour, meeting up with friends, discussing work with seniors and then at the end of the day, going back home.This probably will never ever become monotonous for me , because I have understood the worth of it's absence in my life. I used to meet people , hardly eligible for any service, but they were there making money. And somewhere down, in some dark, secluded corner of my heart and mind , I used to suffer from this excruciating pain.Whenever I used to spot them, i used to avoid then intentionally . I used to avoid facing their innumerable questions, used to shun their pitiful eyes.

Though, it was no fault of mine , I couldn't stop blaming myself for having lost my previous job. Today, after getting my hands on the system, dealing with the official documents, accessing the official mails - I simple felt alive once more.

In this course of 10 months, different people suggested me different things. Few people suggested me to take tuition , which I did and that was a saviour. It helped me take care of my credit card bills.Thanks to them . Few people advised me to get married, as they considered me unfit for work. I hope they must have got their answer by now. Few warned me of the global economic condition, and that it was quite unlikely for me to bag a job in this market with just an experience of 2 years. But, I knew that I had to be patient. All my learning, my degree, my education just couldn't go wasted. And here I am , enjoying the fruits of my patience.

Earlier I used to feel suffocated , but now I can breathe freely. I can smell the air fresheners which almost chokes me in the enclosed office.I can hear the coffee vending machine beeping at a distant corner, as someone fills a cuppa. I can hear people typing on their key-boards, and trust me it's music to me now.

WOW ! this feeling is simply awesome. It's inexpressible.

Everyday, I reach home , dog tired. But, earlier I used to stay back home all day, but at the end of the day would be a vegetable, devoid of any will and energy to carry on. But now, in spite of all the tiredness, I feel full of energy as I am mentally contented and happy.

I have realized one thing - WORK IS THE ELIXIR OF MY LIFE. IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL KEEP ME GOING.